Trauma hides itself from sight to protect you. Yet, it can't help but scream through those regrettable actions that leave you questioning your sanity—those addictions and behaviors that seem to have a life of their own. To truly be authentic, there's no point in trying to prettify or camouflage these actions. Looking to storm in the eye brings healing, authenticity, and strength—sure, there's a fair share of fear before taking that leap of faith, but trust me, the strength that follows is worth it!
I used to think trauma was reserved for those with textbook PTSD symptoms, something I was convinced I didn't have. I also thought that labeling every little painful experience as trauma was just a Western ‘softness,’ in contrast to my Eastern European toughness.
Then, in the vast sea of wisdom (I wish I could remember where exactly), I stumbled upon a revelation about what trauma really does to us.
Let me illustrate through my own trauma.
As a little girl, I was growing up with my dad, mum, and little brother. Around the age of 7, my mum had to leave the Czech Republic with my brother, escaping my father's behavior. After this we saw each other once or twice a year.
When a parent vanishes, a survival mode kicks in for the child. This is a life-threatening situation for the child, because suddenly, half of the safety net ensuring survival is away. The child wonders, will the remaining parent leave too? A profound sense of attachment to the departing parent triggers a shutdown—a slow-motion collapse that feels like losing half of yourself. The catch is, we're often blissfully unaware of this, thanks to our trusty protective system. I certainly was.
Reflecting on the period when my mum and brother left, it's like flipping through a photo album with blank pages. No nasty feelings, no haunting thoughts—just a seamless continuation of life. Little did I know, this is not the real picture. Our body and mind team up to shield us from the emotional wreckage, storing those feelings and memories away, hidden from us so that we can survive the situation.
Contrary to how blank the period felt mentally and emotionally, my body started protesting. I became a frequent visitor to hospitals, bouncing between infectious departments. Doctors scratched their heads, unable to pinpoint any tangible reason for my mysterious ailments.
At some point I ended up in a funky children's department at a hospital, full of very special kids, because I was apparently underfed. As the IV dripped in my veins, questions about my diet at home filled the air, but I was eating enough! My body somehow just decided it didn’t want to process nutrients as it should, for no medical reason.
Even if you don't recall the pain from an event that your logical mind tells you should have been painful, odds are you were in a world of hurt.
Your clever brain played guardian angel, preserving your sanity to ensure survival. And that was a good thing - at that time.
Eventually though, life starts forcing you to look at those painful experiences, to see them. They are mostly hidden from sight as if a wall is put between you and the experiences. The thing is you keep dragging the wall AND the experiences everywhere you go. The longer you ignore it, the harder they start screaming, mostly through self-destructive behavior such as
impulsiveness
addictions
depression
anger tantrums
jealousy…
... feelings and actions you feel ashamed of but also have no control over.
These destructive behaviors may well be the cries of your wounded self, the part you've tucked away in your quest to be a perfect, strong person.
It’s as if you made a double of yourself and put all the nasty experiences and feelings into her. You might feel great because that imperfect, hurt, and vulnerable part of you is hidden from others as well.
But that wounded part lingers, screaming louder and louder until you acknowledge it. Only then, by integrating the hurt into your whole self, can you let go of the impulsive, addictive, destructive behavior.
So, let's make a pact. Embrace the part of yourself you've tried to hide with all your trauma and destructive behavior that you are ashamed of —look at it instead of away from it, talk about it with loved ones, and pull the shadow part of yourself into the light! It's time to set yourself free from your own concealment.