You've probably heard the saying, "Our thoughts shape our emotions." Many of us, myself included, embark on the noble quest of tackling these thoughts through cognitive work, attempting to outsmart our feelings. If you want to read a few tips on overcoming your limiting thoughts read my earlier post here.
The thing is: Sometimes, no matter how much you wrestle with your thoughts, those emotions just refuse change. Especially when they're deeply rooted, like a tree refusing to leave your front yard.
Now, for groundbreaking, life-altering personality changes (cue the dramatic music), I found that it's not all about changing your thoughts. For me, it involved delving into past traumas and becoming aware of my hidden emotions. And let's not forget about those sneaky feelings we're not even aware of.
For the trauma work, I highly recommend a good therapist. But if you're curious about uncovering feelings that might be working against you, read on for some life lessons, straight from the horse's mouth.
Lessons from the Horse that Almost Exploded
Horse communication is a complex dance. It's not just about our body language and gestures; a significant part of horse communication involves feelings. That’s why they are so great in making us aware of feelings that keep us stuck and that we are unaware of. They're basically the therapists of the animal kingdom.
I was in my weekly horsemanship lesson in Belgium with horse trainer Ivo, the horse whisperer. He has a natural calmness around him that horses very much appreciate. He can read horses so well that, to my annoyance, he can tell how you feel based on the horse's reactions and state of mind.
It was a Sunday morning and I was to work with Masdar. I didn’t particularly match with Masdar; he's the introvert and I’m the opposite, extrovert.
I give big signals, big 'hellos,' big gestures – basically, big everything. Introvert horses? Not their ball of hay. They prefer subtlety and communicate gently themselves. An extrovert like me can easily miss those subtle signals, to the horse’s annoyance. If they feel they are not listened to, they increase their signals or explode ‘out of the blue’. The thing is, a horse normally doesn’t explode out of the blue, you’ve probably missed a few signals it showed.
And there I was, aware that Masdar and I weren’t exactly best friends. Approaching him, my body started a riot of stress, chanting, 'Not this horse, he’s perpetually grumpy, he dislikes me, blah, blah.' But I did what any self-respecting over optimistic extrovert would do – I tried to push away those thoughts with an internal pep talk. 'Come on, you're a badass, you can handle this challenge.’ Spoiler alert: Masdar wasn't impressed.
Turns out, Masdar saw right through my confident façade. He saw I was scared. As I was approaching him he pinned his ears when I was still about 3 meters away. In horse language this means 'Back off.' His ears were like neon signs screaming, 'Leave me alone.' Ignoring the warning, I soldiered on, thinking I could outwit this 'angry' horse.
I started working with the horse, thinking that a bit of action will push those nasty feelings we both had away. But the horse only started looking angrier.
Eventually Ivo, the savior of stressed-out extroverts, intervened. He said ‘are you aware of his ears?’ I said, a bit defeated, ‘yes but nothing I do really helps.’ Ivo came to the rescue. He stood behind me, putting his hands on my shoulders and guiding my steps. We took a few steps and stopped. Ivo took a deep breath, and I followed suit. Lo and behold, as I exhaled, the horse's ears softened, and his angry horse face transformed. It was like magic, but with less glitter and more hay.
So that was the big revelation? I was stunned. Standing there, not doing anything, taking a deep breath and relaxing turned out to be the secret.
I had been trying to mask my fear with over-the-top confidence, thinking I could superhero my way through it. And if that didn’t work, ignoring the feelings and just trying to do more were my other go-to tactics. Spoiler alert again: Horses are excellent BS detectors. Had I ignored the horse’s and my feelings even more, he would have probably exploded ‘out of the blue’.
Maybe, just maybe, when you're dealing with those deep-seated feelings, it's time to hit pause (yes, again, the simplistic but ow so powerful advice). Let those feelings have their moment. Don’t keep yourself busy. Don’t try to outshine them with fake confidence or play tough cookie.
Taking off the mask and showing your true self might just be the superhero move you need.
And trust me, everyone around you will thank you for it.
The first step is to stop running the rat race. Hit pause on the never-ending to-do list, and just be there. Only in stillness your emotions will speak to you so hear them. Because, much like horses, people sense when you're trying to hide something. And they're not fooled by your superhero cape.